Eight Things I Learned From My Eight Day Silent Meditation Retreat
Don't worry, I only went slightly crazy.
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future,
concentrate the mind on the present moment.” – The Buddha
This January, I spent eight days and seven nights at Spirit Rock, a meditation center in Marin County. Marin is in the Northern Bay Area of California, and getting to Spirit Rock involved a short drive which crossed the Golden Gate Bridge from my apartment in Nob Hill.
While I’ve been meditating consistently since college, the most I’d ever “sat” for was about an hour. To say that I went into the retreat underprepared would be one of the biggest understatements of the century. Here were the basic rules for the retreat (keep in mind there were about 100 other “retreatants” on the land with me):
No use of cellphones or electronics
No talking or communicating with others
No reading or writing
No alcohol
Believe it or not, there isn’t a whole lot to do on a silent meditation retreat. A bell woke us up each day at 6:00 AM, and we meditated in 30-45 minute increments approximately a dozen times throughout the day. Our meditation sessions were punctuated with light breakfasts and dinners, and heavy lunches – all meals were meat free and plant-based, much to my chagrin. We had two hours after lunch to walk or hike the premises, and ended each day with a “Dharma talk” from one of our yogi teachers and some chanting before bed.
“What I don't have, I don't need. What I don't need, I don't have.”
- Jimmy Butler, 6x NBA All-Star
As you can probably image, it was a pretty unusual experience, and I left with a fistful of lessons – some more unexpected than others. Here are eight of them:
The world does not revolve around you, and that’s a good thing. For the first 24 hours of the retreat, my mind was marred by what I was surely missing out on from the confines of Spirit Rock. It was like someone went into my brain and turned the FOMO dial up to 11. What were my family and friends doing without my charismatic presence? How many texts, emails, billion-dollar business opportunities, and celebrity DMs was I missing out on? The answer was none. At the end of the day, we are all just somewhat intelligent monkeys flying through space on a giant rock. The Earth will keep on going whether or not you “skip a week.” At the end of the retreat, all I had really missed was that Jim Harbaugh moved from coaching Michigan to coaching the Chargers.
“The Conditions For Awareness Are Present” - my Dharma Teacher. We all know we’re aware and alive, right? How could we not be? That incessant, driveling voice in your head must mean that you are truly living in the present. Buddhist practitioners would say “not so fast.” Having practically nothing to do all day makes you realize how often your mind is elsewhere - focusing on work you need to do, scrolling through social media looking at people you haven’t talked to in years, or agonizing over dumb things you’ve said to your crush. These thoughts take us away from the present moment. If you can quiet the voice in your mind (a.k.a. the “ego”), then you can focus on what is actually happening RIGHT NOW - your ability to breathe, the inputs coming in via your senses, how it feels to be human. I honestly feel like before the retreat I was only truly present about 5% of my waking hours - and now that number is closer to 20%.
You spend more time with yourself than you do with anyone else, so treat yourself accordingly. After a strong start to the retreat, the middle 3-4 days were like trying to swim through quicksand. Every single insecurity I have about myself consumed my brain for days on end - after all, what else was I going to think about? But I realized something funny after about 4 days of mental anguish - thinking about my “problems” did not make them go away. If anything, the attention I gave them simply worsened my already fragile self-esteem. My Dharma teacher reminded us that we spend more time with ourselves than anyone else (it’s a double entendre!). They were right, and so we might as well treat ourselves with kindness and compassion - like you would treat a friend that you love, despite their flaws.
If you are kind and grateful, everything else will fall into place. Ironically, I feel like I left Spirit Rock with just as many questions as answers. However, one thing I now know more than ever is that the kinder you are, the less there is to worry about. Being kind and doing things for others without expecting anything in return is one of the best ways to feel happier in your day-to-day life. Ditto for being grateful. When is the last time you regretted doing something kind for someone else? Exactly.
You are the present-day version of your future bad-ass self. I’ve said this convoluted phrase before, and I will say it again. Imagine your ideal self 5, 10, 15, or even 30 years from now. Where are you living? With whom are you spending your time? What does your life look like? Well, that person doesn’t have to be fictitious. That person is very real, and is only going to achieve their goals because of a superhero - present day you! This framework comes in handy on days I make a fool of myself, lose money, miss going to the gym, or say something dumb at work. Remember: your future self is a bad-ass, and the trials and tribulations you’re going through now are just making you stronger (and a more bad-ass person in the present moment). Remember to enjoy the ride.
Happy people want what they have. Conversely, unhappy people “need” what they don’t have, and suffer because of it. Picture the happiest person you know. I doubt they have the most money, or the most friends, or the newest car. But they’re probably pretty good at enjoying the things they do have - strong relationships, a career that means something more to them than a paycheck, and a strong sense of self. Don’t get me wrong - I am not saying I am good at being grateful! It can be difficult in a world that makes it easy to associate your self worth with things - status, diplomas, fancy job titles, Instagram-worthy photographs. But I have found that I am at my happiest when I can remove my self-worth from my accomplishments and possessions - and instead be happy with who I am, no matter the circumstances.
Start a Substack. When my friends asked me about what I learned on my retreat, I had a tongue-in-cheek response: I realized that the world needs yet another blog (the one you’re reading right now). I was being partially facetious, but there is a kernel of truth in what I said. Life is short, and it definitely does not owe anything to you. So yes, it’s cliche, but the perfect time to start a blog, write a book, ask someone out, travel to a faraway country, or pursue what you want from life is right now. Conditions are never going to be perfect, and the only way to get good at something is to really suck at it. Just ask me how @noah_invests turned out (that’s a story for another blog post).
You’re likely to find one thing at the end of any journey you go on, including a silent meditation retreat - yourself (and not in the way you’re thinking). I wish I could share with you the meaning of life, or the secret to a happy relationship, or what was really on the back of the Declaration of Independence (National Treasure, anyone?). But the only thing I really found at the end of the retreat was myself. And I don’t mean this in an “oh my gosh guys, I totally discovered myself!” kind of way. I mean I literally was still there at the end. I was the same person. It’s kind of like how when I moved from my hometown to San Francisco, I hoped all of my problems would go away. But that isn’t how life works. I was simply Noah, with my same problems, strengths, weaknesses, hopes, dreams, and ideas - but now I lived on the West Coast. So while my time on the retreat did teach me about myself, what it really revealed to me was that the journeys all of us are on are internal ones - no matter how many Spirit Rock trips you go on, or Peace Corps trips you do, or marathons you run, you’re still going to be you. And you get to choose whether or not that is a good thing.
A nice note that someone left by the entrance to one of the meditation halls - taken with my cellphone after I got it back on the last day, of course.
On one of the last days of my trip, I decided that I needed to actually see the rock that Spirit Rock is named after. I ducked out of lunch early, laced up my running shoes, and proceeded on a trail labeled “Facing Rock Trail.” On the way there, I stepped in a massive puddle, and my feet, which were already wet from the rain, got totally soaked. I made my way up a hill, and as I laid eyes on The Rock, the clouds parted and I was greeted with warm rays of sunshine. I had a moment of euphoria and what I thought was a bit of “enlightenment” - after 5 days of rain, we finally got some sun just as I summited the famous mass of hardened sand.
Later that night, however, I studied the map in my room more closely and realized that I hadn’t seen Spirit Rock at all. I was just on some hillside on a different part of the campus. Eventually, I did make my way to the actual Spirit Rock, after dodging about a hundred piles of cow poop and picking a gnarly tick off of my leg. But to be honest, it wasn’t all that euphoric. My initial failure to find The Rock was kind of like my entire time on the retreat. I went into the week thinking I was looking for something outside of myself - a present I would get upon completion of the journey. But in the end, the best parts of the retreat were along the way - the reward was the journey - such as making it through a whole pasture without stepping in a cow pie.
Until Next Time,
Noah Kim
February 7, 2024
Hayes Valley, San Francisco, USA
Wherever you go, there you are